My name is Lisa and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has received freedom from heroine, cocaine and alcohol addiction. I’ve also been set free from guilt and shame from being sexually abused as a child…..and today I have HOPE – IN A Living Savior – HOPE for a Future…A Desire to be a HopeDealer!
I have a HOPE that My Heavenly Father is not done with this Sista yet! I struggle today with an unhealthy view of food, control and validation by overachieving ….BUT I am HAVING VICTORY AS I AM SPEAKING TO YOU! and I am still filled with HOPE right where I am at!
At a young age I met a wonderful “friend” that took me away from reality…FOOD! YAY ME! It became my source of comfort, celebration, it helped me when I was afraid….it helped me breathe….it eventually controlled me. Since my adolescent and teen years, I had been a yo-yo dieter. My mother would put my sister and myself on diets and take us to WW, we might lose a little weight then gain it all back, plus more. I thought I always enjoyed food…but what I know today is that I used it. In high school I got up to 260 pounds….later in life….what I referred to as my “maximum density” my weight was up over 340 pounds….thissss LEFT ME HOPELESS
At the age of 14 I discovered the wonderful world of BULEMIA…It was the CONTROL that I always craved….when you are sexually abused…..and don’t tell…if you are me…you learn about self reliance…not trusting anyone….you need to have control over something….I had no control over how I was touched but… ….this was the ULTIMATE REWARD….I HAD ALL CONTROL so I thought…my eating disorder has been “looming” around in the background….at one point this great form of control allowed me to get down to 128 pounds….for a hot minute… thissss LEFT ME HOPELESS
So the abuse stopped at the age of 12 and that is when I picked up my first drink……it took my fear, anxiety,…confusion…guilt and shame…away….I used to feel like I was so dirty ….. I would never be enough in life….with booze I was more than enough….I became the class clown…..the life of the party……i could hide behind the humor as well… thissss LEFT ME HOPELESS
So now I am off and running abusing booze, pills and cocaine and eventually heroine …..wrote bad checks for my addiction…. I had no self respect and was very selfish in my addiction…I was promiscuous and did whatever it took to check out with drugs and alcohol and sexual promiscuity….so I didn’t have to remember….. thissss LEFT ME HOPELESS
I got 3 D.W.I.’s in 6 months…was on probation….continued to use…violated probation….was in and out of jail …. Got “sober” BUT DID NOT KNOW JESUS…. thissss LEFT ME HOPELESS
Because of LOVE….the LOVE of Jesus – I have HOPE and it is personal for all of us – MY HOPE looks like People – they loved me right where I was at always…they simply LOVE ON PEOPLE LIKE JESUS…they showed me there was a place for “Christians like me” I still had such a long way to go….still felt so ugly, broken, dirty inside…you see I had NO IDEA about the love of my Savior…..and one day at a time…I became LOVELY LISA…His beloved…
Today I feel clean…..It’s been a long hard process….this thing called recovery…this road to redemption….but oh the victory! I haven’t used since 2/4/1993……but my life change didn’t start until Jesus, HOPE is God making beauty from ashes…..HOPE is me being blessed with a beautiful blended family with lots of laughs, tears….and most of all love because God is in the center….and he desires to be trusted with it all….and that includes His timing.
Sometimes when encountering His timing… HOPE is something that can be hard to see, hear, or feel. This past November – I lost my father……he was 80 – yes he lived a full life – but we were NOT READY – I was reminded again of what HOPE looks like, what HOPE feels like, and smells like – HOPE looked like a wonderful, strong man, HOPE felt like a HUGE BREATH when my father said the sinner’s prayer with me – HOPE has recently smelled like father’s nightshirt…..or freshly fallen snow.
I feel blessed to have HOPE in the Truth that I will be with my earthly father again because there is HOPE to be experienced on the broken side of eternity….the HOPE in sharing ohow God NEVER WASTES A HURT….BOOM thisssssss..This is the HOPE that we have and that we MUST SHARE! So in closing, I say thank YOU for letting me SHARE HIS HOPE!